So there I was in La Crosse. Just like that I was free. But I had no job, no driver's license and no hope of ever getting anywhere. I brought my bike, which was promptly stolen and recovered. We lived in this little efficiency apartment on Ninth street, almost across from the main library. It was a hot summer. I applied for jobs and got one at the Wisconsin Conservation Corps. It was more of a training program than a job. I threw myself right out into the world of work and life. My own life. The thing is there was one condition, for me to stay there. I had to start attending the church of Jehovah's witnesses again. Considering my past with them, I wasn't to keen on the idea.
I started that a began where I had left off, rejoining the ministry school to give bible readings and to become active in the field ministry. I also began studying to become baptised with a fellow called Doug. At the same time, my job consisted of weatherizing houses for CouleeCap. On the other side I started smoking cigarettes and started smoking weed. I didn't care. It was fun. But the depression and anxiety was still there from what I had experienced.
I hung out with my brothers friends, Ken, John and Andy. They where from the church. I also began drinking at this time, which would later become my drug of choice for the years to come. I first got hooked on alcohol when Dave had brought in some jello mixed with vodka to school. We ate it right in the middle of sociology class. We also snuck out once, when there was a substitute teacher and drove around with Becca and they smoked as I rode along.
My first movie outside of the house was Air Force One. My first experience with other people was the second day after I moved. There was a graduation party for one of the girls from the church. Some I was forced to go. I didn't know anyone and some people tried to talk to me, but I didn't know what to say or do. One girl tried to figure me out right away. Her name was Cassidy. She disliked my brother, and tried to see if I was different. I some ways I was but to her I was the same.
This was also the same time I would meet some of the M family. Why do I mention them? For one they became a sort or surrogate family, until shit would hit the fan years later. One of them was okay, the others still judged me as my brother. The okay one, Brandon was like me. He was a rebel. He didn't take kindly to being told what to do. One or two people liked me, but the others treated me like a disease. They stayed away from me as far or as long as possible.
My job went okay. I was fun. My co-workers where cool. But I still longed for home. Mostly because of my surrogate family I had left behind. I would visit if I could. By the end of summer I would see Kat again and check in. She went to college and we lost contact after that for a long time. I finally got my driver's license. Went to Viroqua the second weekend I had it, to visit Dave and Leslie. We hung out a their friends house outside of town and smoked pot and had fun. That was until Chernobyl dug her nose into my life and found me. The bitch ordered me to the house. It wasn't because it was snowing, or because I had left and not told anyone. It was just her way of trying to keep the control over my life as she had done for eighteen fucking years! Nothing happened. I went even though I was still stoned. I don't think she noticed, because she never had done that drug.
Fall turned into winter into spring. My mind was still gone. I studied to join the church. I quit smoking. Didn't drink much. Just followed what I was told to do. I had set the date for my baptisim. June 27, 1998. It was to be at the district convention in Rochester. I thought that all of my friends would be there to see me take the biggest step in my my. As true to my life, no one was there. They where to busy to go eat or to chase tail to see me join a religion. I was disappointed and made my feelings known. I was told that if I didn't like it why did I even become bapitised. That is where things began to go downhill.
Although, June 27 was an obvious error in judgment, it was a day that a future friend, a future surrogate would take the same choice.
Kimberly. I first met her at the sunday church meeting. She was engaged to dumbass, as she calls him now. It wasn't her first trip either. She was older than him and I. She had some of the same problems as I did. When I went on a trip to the Mall of America, which I finally was allowed to go on, I stated that I was manic-depressive. Dumbass mentioned that she was too. This began the next chapter in my life.
Dumbass didn't like it that his wife and I clicked so well, as friends. Kimberly began to help me out with my mental state. She took me to the free clinic in La Crosse-St. Claires health mission. There I was referred to La Crosse county human services, where I met with my first therapist. I was diagnosed with severe depression. Kimberly had me try St. John's wort a natural herb to fight depression. I was put on Paxil at first. In therapy learned all these new terms like depression, and triggers, ups and downs, feelings. This was about 2000. It had been five years since I was reborn, but I still had to deal with my former life. It was the life I had ended on that partly cloudy day in November so many years ago.
My depression and mood didn't help my job either. You see I started working for Dumbass' father. His name is Asshole. That is what he is and what his name is and no one should say any different.
My drinking didn't help with my scrambled head either. I was elevating more and more. I never stopped writing during this time. My musings went away from poetry and became more questioning my life. It was 2000. I watched the new millenium come in from 15 and Main in La Crosse, watching the fireworks atop Grandad's Bluff. The second week my grandfather George died form a heart attack. My grandparents had just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversery three weeks before. It was typical of my family, not to have a big funeral. Probably because nobody cared. I was one of the pallbearers.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
12th grade-a New Day
It was a new day. A new life. My life, not someone else's. Everyone was preparing for life after school. I was not. I was reborn. I had a new found lease on life. And I had no idea how things would turn out. The bible says the you should throw your burden on God and all other things would be added to you. It also says that God will never give you anymore grief and stress then you can take. Apparently I'm God's shit bucket where he adds everyone else's frustration and anger and stress to dump on. Than again maybe it has made me stronger. I just don't know.
By this time I was gradually began to take interest in popular music. You see the only music I had known up until then was the radio station-a country station and oldies. That was all my parents listened to. I began watching VH-1 because we didn't have MTV on our cable system. I liked the music of Alanis Morisette and Fiona Apple. I still do to this day. I also like Spacehog and the Beatles.
But on to school. It was decidedly different. I didn't care what I did or what grades I got. I just went in and did the best I could. I was still depressed to a point, and still had suicidal thoughts. I guess the group of kids I became a kind of surrogate family. One I never had, who treated me like a human being instead of a burden. Chernobyl still threatened to do things to me, such as get me fired from my job because I failed English 12, in the first semester. Although the teacher was a complete bitch, yes Mrs. Linefelder was a bitch. She also failed others, I think just because she didn't like them.
My surrogate Family consisted of those who remained after my incident. They where Dave and his friends Leslie, Sonia, Andy, Leslie and Kat. They where different than the other kids. They showed me that there was something more in me than just school and work. They showed me that I had potential. Even though there where some bad kids, some who had abused me in the past apologized for what they did, Like Jason E. That was something also very new to me.
Dave and Andy where into drugs big time, but I never joined in, until I left town, because
if Chernobyl would have known I would have been killed. I also didn't help that the county sheriff was my fifth cousin, and his wife was my intro pre-calc teacher the year before. So I just went along with them when they would tell stories of snorting something or doing this or that. That is the biggest problem in that town-drugs.
I also hung out with another of Dave's friends. Her name was Becca. I don't know much about her but I have the feeling she had some of the same setting at home as I did. She hung out with her friends and Dave, Her and I where seated in the back corner of Mr. Boll's sociology class. We always raised hell there to the dismay of the teacher. Even when he tired to randomly rearrange seats, we all where put together in the same place. Was it fate? No. you see what could have been a great friendship was derailed when I told her I was moving. Things never seemed to be right between us, and after the summer after I sent her a letter, explaining why I couldn't be her friend, because I wanted to help her with her life even though my life was at best, in ciaos. I don't think she ever wanted to be friends, because she didn't want to get close to someone because she was always moving, and didn't stay anywhere for long. Could be a reasonable response. Probably not.
Another person I have to mention, is Kat. Sweet dear Katherine who never made an enemy and tried to be everybody's friend. She had came from Westby the year before and had gone through a lot of bad stuff like me. She then had a kid at the tender age of 17-yes senior year. She really taught me how to accept and how to love. And that's not what you think. She saw something in me. A lost child perhaps, like her, who needed help. It was the one thing that got me through the days where the thoughts that I didn't matter came back. She hugged me almost every time she saw me. It was the beginning of a new start but, hold on. This was February 1997. I only had three months to change-everything.
I began a petition to change the rules of the school. As I said before we received a rule book every year a the start of school and I tore off the cover and threw it in the garbage. Why change the rules? So what happened to me didn't have to happen. You see the school was corrupt. The superintendent who yelled at me for kicking a locker in seventh grade was the football coach in the 70's and he was giving steroids to the players and was fired for it. Then twenty years later he was made superintendent. At least the principal the last two years was good. Probably because he was a cop. Yes a Vernon county deputy sheriff to be exact. Mr. Harris would not tolerate any misbehavior. He would bust kids who went out to smoke. There was an uptick in drug searches in school, although none of my friends where ever caught. My friends, that a misnomer. They where friends of other friends, mostly.
Three months to figure out what I was going to do with my life. Then it all became clear-GET THE FUCK OUT OF VIROQUA!
My older brother lived in La Crosse for awhile now and that was my plan. Even though my father would borrow money to gamble away I still managed to save money. I Even bought a car with what I earned. I paid $150 for and 1987 Ford Escort and spent another hundred getting it to run fine. It was also an standard-manual- shift car. But I didn't have a driver's license. I had taken the driving test twice and failed because my parents never had enough time to take me out to practice. We where told to have about 80 hours of practice before we even tried to go for a test. I had about 6 hours.
I also was allowed to hang out with my friends after school, which was new. I also attended the 'other' school-Youth Inititive high school, where Joshua had gone. Those kids where very different than the main school. I watch a play they put on there, and hung out at Dave's house-much to the chagrin of Chernobyl.
School was the same with the bullying.. Jeremy tried to push my buttons in gym class the year before and I nearly punched him out. You see I switched classes to avoid another bully and ended up in this one. I was tired of Jay and his bullshit so I walked right out of the class went to the guidance counselor and changed classes. My cousin had to calm me down, so I wouldn't sink to his level.
Change. Everything was moving fast. But there was a little plan to make sure I didn't make graduation. You see, Dave gave me a book on how to make bombs and blow stuff up. I never looked at it, although some kids in sociology class where interested. That there was the reason for my first ever call to the principal's office. Actually it was the assistant principal. Then I was called into Mr. Harris' office. He asked me if I was planning anything. I was not. He asked for the book, so I gave it to him. It didn't concern me until the last day of school.
The last day was as usual the same bullshit. It was a half day, and the next day was graduation. Jay and Korey tried to bring out my anger, and I was fed up. After 13 years of abuse I was done. So I told them if I ever saw them after that day that I would kill them. This now got the attention of the Viroqua police department. So I was sitting at home alone watching a movie, and there was a knock on the door. It was an investigator from the police. He asked me if I was planning anything. He asked to see the garage and the basement. I told him I was planning to move soon, and wasn't planning anything. He took my word for it and left. Then I knew. I didn't make a damn bit of difference! The last two years where for nothing. There where some great things, but the same old attitude was still there. Nothing had changed. I went to graduation, dreading to be with these people one last time. For one it would be a granted freedom form all the ass holes and bitches and bullies. On the other hand I had to say goodbye to some very dear friends.
Graduation went well, because Chernobyl convinced herself she didn't have a ticket and would not attend. She also said there would be no party for me because of whatever reason. My older brother had one. My younger brother had one. Not me. Just not me. So I went to Kat and Emily's party a couple blocks away. All my friends where there. I saw this as a farewell for now.
The plan was set, although fate ever so cruel as it is to me, would deal another blow. You see graduation was May 31, 1997. I planned to move the very next weekend to La Crosse. I wasn't the first to move out of my parents house though. I helped Dave move the next Wednesday to his place in town. It was nice, but I knew Dave. He was in trouble with his life and such and I knew it wouldn't last. That was my goodbye to him. Friday night I rode my bicycle out Railroad Avenue for the last time. It was night, which I never had done before. Then it was off to Kat's place to say goodbye. She was home with her kid, Logan. We talked for awhile. Then I said that I was moving-tomorrow. I could see she was upset and would have wanted me to stay if I could. I had already made up my mind. I was leaving this town and all of the bullshit behind.
Moving. Well, this was tricky. You see my idiot older brother has rolled his car two weeks before, doing some stupid stunt. He had rolled a vehicle before, and would again. I had some of my stuff packed. Mainly just my clothes and $250. We got a call early that morning that he was out camping with my parents car and it had been rolled over by some drunk high school kids who where caught by the cops. The only reason they where caught is because he was shooting of guns and fireworks and drinking with underage friends of his. I was supremely pissed off now. He has his parents car towed to Viroqua from Galesville where he was camping. He then had to borrow my car, so he could get to work. I told him if ever broke anything on my car I would kill him. It was the only thing I had worth anything.
By this time I was gradually began to take interest in popular music. You see the only music I had known up until then was the radio station-a country station and oldies. That was all my parents listened to. I began watching VH-1 because we didn't have MTV on our cable system. I liked the music of Alanis Morisette and Fiona Apple. I still do to this day. I also like Spacehog and the Beatles.
But on to school. It was decidedly different. I didn't care what I did or what grades I got. I just went in and did the best I could. I was still depressed to a point, and still had suicidal thoughts. I guess the group of kids I became a kind of surrogate family. One I never had, who treated me like a human being instead of a burden. Chernobyl still threatened to do things to me, such as get me fired from my job because I failed English 12, in the first semester. Although the teacher was a complete bitch, yes Mrs. Linefelder was a bitch. She also failed others, I think just because she didn't like them.
My surrogate Family consisted of those who remained after my incident. They where Dave and his friends Leslie, Sonia, Andy, Leslie and Kat. They where different than the other kids. They showed me that there was something more in me than just school and work. They showed me that I had potential. Even though there where some bad kids, some who had abused me in the past apologized for what they did, Like Jason E. That was something also very new to me.
Dave and Andy where into drugs big time, but I never joined in, until I left town, because
if Chernobyl would have known I would have been killed. I also didn't help that the county sheriff was my fifth cousin, and his wife was my intro pre-calc teacher the year before. So I just went along with them when they would tell stories of snorting something or doing this or that. That is the biggest problem in that town-drugs.
I also hung out with another of Dave's friends. Her name was Becca. I don't know much about her but I have the feeling she had some of the same setting at home as I did. She hung out with her friends and Dave, Her and I where seated in the back corner of Mr. Boll's sociology class. We always raised hell there to the dismay of the teacher. Even when he tired to randomly rearrange seats, we all where put together in the same place. Was it fate? No. you see what could have been a great friendship was derailed when I told her I was moving. Things never seemed to be right between us, and after the summer after I sent her a letter, explaining why I couldn't be her friend, because I wanted to help her with her life even though my life was at best, in ciaos. I don't think she ever wanted to be friends, because she didn't want to get close to someone because she was always moving, and didn't stay anywhere for long. Could be a reasonable response. Probably not.
Another person I have to mention, is Kat. Sweet dear Katherine who never made an enemy and tried to be everybody's friend. She had came from Westby the year before and had gone through a lot of bad stuff like me. She then had a kid at the tender age of 17-yes senior year. She really taught me how to accept and how to love. And that's not what you think. She saw something in me. A lost child perhaps, like her, who needed help. It was the one thing that got me through the days where the thoughts that I didn't matter came back. She hugged me almost every time she saw me. It was the beginning of a new start but, hold on. This was February 1997. I only had three months to change-everything.
I began a petition to change the rules of the school. As I said before we received a rule book every year a the start of school and I tore off the cover and threw it in the garbage. Why change the rules? So what happened to me didn't have to happen. You see the school was corrupt. The superintendent who yelled at me for kicking a locker in seventh grade was the football coach in the 70's and he was giving steroids to the players and was fired for it. Then twenty years later he was made superintendent. At least the principal the last two years was good. Probably because he was a cop. Yes a Vernon county deputy sheriff to be exact. Mr. Harris would not tolerate any misbehavior. He would bust kids who went out to smoke. There was an uptick in drug searches in school, although none of my friends where ever caught. My friends, that a misnomer. They where friends of other friends, mostly.
Three months to figure out what I was going to do with my life. Then it all became clear-GET THE FUCK OUT OF VIROQUA!
My older brother lived in La Crosse for awhile now and that was my plan. Even though my father would borrow money to gamble away I still managed to save money. I Even bought a car with what I earned. I paid $150 for and 1987 Ford Escort and spent another hundred getting it to run fine. It was also an standard-manual- shift car. But I didn't have a driver's license. I had taken the driving test twice and failed because my parents never had enough time to take me out to practice. We where told to have about 80 hours of practice before we even tried to go for a test. I had about 6 hours.
I also was allowed to hang out with my friends after school, which was new. I also attended the 'other' school-Youth Inititive high school, where Joshua had gone. Those kids where very different than the main school. I watch a play they put on there, and hung out at Dave's house-much to the chagrin of Chernobyl.
School was the same with the bullying.. Jeremy tried to push my buttons in gym class the year before and I nearly punched him out. You see I switched classes to avoid another bully and ended up in this one. I was tired of Jay and his bullshit so I walked right out of the class went to the guidance counselor and changed classes. My cousin had to calm me down, so I wouldn't sink to his level.
Change. Everything was moving fast. But there was a little plan to make sure I didn't make graduation. You see, Dave gave me a book on how to make bombs and blow stuff up. I never looked at it, although some kids in sociology class where interested. That there was the reason for my first ever call to the principal's office. Actually it was the assistant principal. Then I was called into Mr. Harris' office. He asked me if I was planning anything. I was not. He asked for the book, so I gave it to him. It didn't concern me until the last day of school.
The last day was as usual the same bullshit. It was a half day, and the next day was graduation. Jay and Korey tried to bring out my anger, and I was fed up. After 13 years of abuse I was done. So I told them if I ever saw them after that day that I would kill them. This now got the attention of the Viroqua police department. So I was sitting at home alone watching a movie, and there was a knock on the door. It was an investigator from the police. He asked me if I was planning anything. He asked to see the garage and the basement. I told him I was planning to move soon, and wasn't planning anything. He took my word for it and left. Then I knew. I didn't make a damn bit of difference! The last two years where for nothing. There where some great things, but the same old attitude was still there. Nothing had changed. I went to graduation, dreading to be with these people one last time. For one it would be a granted freedom form all the ass holes and bitches and bullies. On the other hand I had to say goodbye to some very dear friends.
Graduation went well, because Chernobyl convinced herself she didn't have a ticket and would not attend. She also said there would be no party for me because of whatever reason. My older brother had one. My younger brother had one. Not me. Just not me. So I went to Kat and Emily's party a couple blocks away. All my friends where there. I saw this as a farewell for now.
The plan was set, although fate ever so cruel as it is to me, would deal another blow. You see graduation was May 31, 1997. I planned to move the very next weekend to La Crosse. I wasn't the first to move out of my parents house though. I helped Dave move the next Wednesday to his place in town. It was nice, but I knew Dave. He was in trouble with his life and such and I knew it wouldn't last. That was my goodbye to him. Friday night I rode my bicycle out Railroad Avenue for the last time. It was night, which I never had done before. Then it was off to Kat's place to say goodbye. She was home with her kid, Logan. We talked for awhile. Then I said that I was moving-tomorrow. I could see she was upset and would have wanted me to stay if I could. I had already made up my mind. I was leaving this town and all of the bullshit behind.
Moving. Well, this was tricky. You see my idiot older brother has rolled his car two weeks before, doing some stupid stunt. He had rolled a vehicle before, and would again. I had some of my stuff packed. Mainly just my clothes and $250. We got a call early that morning that he was out camping with my parents car and it had been rolled over by some drunk high school kids who where caught by the cops. The only reason they where caught is because he was shooting of guns and fireworks and drinking with underage friends of his. I was supremely pissed off now. He has his parents car towed to Viroqua from Galesville where he was camping. He then had to borrow my car, so he could get to work. I told him if ever broke anything on my car I would kill him. It was the only thing I had worth anything.
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