9th grade-
Everyone about 12-14. Me still stuck at 6-7. Mental state worsening. Have DID, depression, anxiety, anger, ET AL. Complete mental case. Still had a crush on B, even though I knew I would never tell because of religion and Chernobyl.
More of the medical mistreatment occurred when I broke my wrist in gym class. I slipped on the wet grass when we where playing soccer on the football field heard a snap. I didn't cry or do anything abnormal. I went to the doctor two days later, the usual wait to see the dealer. It was broke but to late to set, so I got a brace and some x-rays. Then Chernobyl bitched about the fact that she would have to pay the $200 for it. I carried Nuprin on me even though it was against the rules of the school to have and medication on you. I usually took the school rules book we got at the beginning of every year and ripped the cover off it and threw it away. My wrist is still fucked up to this day. No cartilage and no more nerve endings no problem, right?
Joshua and me. I met Joshua in sixth grade. We hung out at recess because we where different. He was a Mormon I was a JW., but not really. Eighth grade he took at home because he didn't want to deal with the same shit I had to. Ninth grade he was back and we raise hell like no one else would dare. We once moved table right in the middle of Mr. Tubb's science class because it wobbled.
By this time the teachers knew I was a incident waiting to happen and didn't care either. Was it collusion? Conspiracy? We'll never know. They pushed me to show everyone that I was different like Mrs. Getter's English class and the story from the first chapter. I had no safe place but my mind and it was failing me. My grades went 3.3 GPA to 2.7 to 2.3 to 2.2. Something was happening to me.
Z minus one year.
10th grade-Ignorance is not the best thing to do.
So now even the teachers hated me. Mrs. Cohen my geometry teacher absolutely abhorred me. Mr. Getter my algebra II teacher hated me as well. Mr. boll who didn't take kindly to me in his seventh grade social studies and of course, disliked me even more in US history I. No one knows why or what made me do it. This is the build up to the end of the story.
Basically I ignored everyone, including Joshua at times. I didn't talk to anyone even when they tried to talk to me. David and Jeremy tried to get me angry to make them look good, but
I just walked away like it didn't affect me. I hid out in the empty corners of the school, either down by the locker rooms or by the industrial arts area.
I had for eleven years to try to fit in but couldn't so I gave up. I quit caring, liking, learning, and living. Tenth grade was a a maze of algebra and geometry and US History. I just didn't care anymore, and no one would stop me from what I was about to do.
With no job, no future and no way out it all became clear. I didn't make a difference. I wasn't going to be accepted. I wasn't going anywhere. I was not going to graduate. I was never going to be in love or ever have anyone love me. No one would know the deep dark place my mind went. That summer I did nothing which meant not even playing with my little brother. I just prepared for the end-my end.
The thoughts of suicide entered my mind about February or March of 1995. I was 15. I saw no future in me of life. I would never make it to sixteen.
11th grade-Z minus 2 months
Warning! The following chapter contains acts of violence. Reader discretion is advised.
I started writing notes over the summer. Different drafts, different ways to says what I felt. I wasn't going to make a difference. I couldn't change history for the better. It was a wrong I couldn't right. I wrote a note and gave it to Joshua. He gave me a mix tape saying not to do it. I only listened to the first part. I made drawings in class and on the computer program Paint in Business Computer Applications. Wendy, who sat in front of my asked me one day what I was drawing and
I showed her. She was confused but said nothing.
Nobody knew what I was feeling. After years of keeping my feelings bottled up they where ready to come out. I was in need of releasing myself from the abhorrent and abused and evil and inconsiderable life.
October 1995-Z minus 3 weeks
I watch the Quantum Leap episode of Lee Harvey Oswald again. I watch the scene where Sam as Oswald argues with Al when Oswald tried to commit suicide by slashing his wrists. The idea becomes clear.
November 1995-Z minus 2 days. I write the final version of my note. I do not say goodbye to family, only friends. I don't want to be stopped, I want out. Everyday became worse, trying to keep my emotions at bay. I just couldn't do it anymore.
Z minus 0 hour-
After another stress filled lunch being bullied, I walk around in a daze. I went to my locker and fumbled through it and found it-a math compass. I walked around still dazed and my inner voice said-Do It! DO IT NOW!
So I did. A cut to the left wrist. It felt...good! Another cut against the first. Better yet! By now, someone had noticed. After all I was doing this in a crowded hallway during lunch break. I think it was a girl named Vickie, who noticed first. I was shocked and fled outside. There I felt the cold November air for the last time and took two more swipes. By now, some students had been returning from lunch and didn't notice what I had done. They left me alone, until I went back inside.
No one cared. Nobody cared what I just did. I WAS RIGHT! I didn't make a damn bit of difference. Yeah for fucking me~!
I was...free. Written summer 1997
Light, floating quiet
old places, old friends
lone gone long forgotten
and about the one who has gone
the one who left with sacrifice
the one who had died
whispers...dark...cold
the light...it is there
a voice...go toward the light
I need to watch them
they will be alright
the voice says calmly
I don't want to go yet
floating...float...flying
in the ceiling of the school
the hallway-floating
people the one knew
the art display case
walls with lockers
floating...the entrance
sunlight-blue sky
bare trees without leaves
warm temperatures
a need to talk to them
but he can't...unable to
do anything...but watch
listen-they are good friends
...they haven't forgotten have they?
Maybe they have...is it possibl-pulling
through the roof to the
high place in the sky to
the spirit of the voice
It is your time it says
yes, they have forgotten
there is no sense in staying
they will always remember you
is that a possibility
there are always possibilities
will they think I've abandoned them
no, they know you better
than you think you do
the light, go toward the light
is it safe?
Yes
Will I be happy
You will be filled with joyous
praise and love for all mankind
they will be all right
asks the one in the light
they will be fine
know you are and always will be
with them
are they sad...asks the one
they are indeed
do they miss me
yes
I will go onward the light is with you
the one says to the voice
will I be happy the one asks
You will be...
The students who saw notified Principal Sciacca who found me. I was whisked away to his office where I surrendered the weapon. I was calm and collected. I felt free, free from all the strife and bullshit over that last fifteen years.
I was taken to Ms. Holt the school psychologist and then lost it. I missed my first class Spanish III and part of resource period.
I set out what I had planned for so long. Part of me did die that day. It was November 1995 and the school paused at least for the moment. The year of death had claimed another victim, although it was not accident or disease that had taken the one from them. It was himself. He pulled the plug on his own miserable existence. Time would tell if there was hope for him,. The old bitter, beaten, downtrodden self was gone. His selfish act had claimed only one, but affected many. I t remained to be seen if a new person would be born our of the fire and blood that he had spilled of him self. If a new one returned, he would be human.
Aftermath-Everything changes
Both principal Sciacca and Ms. Holt convinced me to promise I wouldn't do this again and return to school the next day. I did return.
I was reborn. I was born, out of the fire and blood I spilled of myself in November nineteen hundred and ninety-six. I was the talk of the school, at least for awhile. I saw the weirdest looks from people when I returned as well. They probably thought I would be held for a 72 hour stay in the hospital and then taken away to the loony bin, never to be seen or heard from again.
My parents found out, of course. Chernobyl said of thinking of suicide, that it was stupid. My dad never said anything of it, or must not have cared. For the next year and a half I was put on the fast track to get out of their house.
All of my teachers asked me if I was alright to be there, the day after. I wasn't but said yes. No further interventions or interviews where done. No follow ups by Ms. Holt. It was as if I had done nothing. Now can you see the collusion and conspiracy here.
I had the fresh wounds on my wrist yet. I would sometimes show them at school, but hide them at home. I didn't want society to see me in pain both emotional and physical. I was heard, but it was not the reason why I did the act. I wanted silence but got something else in return. It was something that I thought I never had or would ever get-friends!
No one ever asked about it to my face. Maybe they didn't want a death on their concense. I know some walked on eggshells around me, so I wouldn't try again. It was for the best, I think.
Joshua left public school after. He never returned. I became employed at the small grocery store in the middle of town in late December. Things where changing fast some for the better, some still the same.
My calculator as just a calculator. The personalities where gone. The fear was gone. I went from a 7-8 year old maturity to a 14-16 year old maturity in a short amount of time. Some people would say that I would go to jail for trying to kill myself,saying that it was a crime. Even though my statement was bold it wasn't enough to stop some from bullying me for the rest of school. My new tormenter-Jay and an old foe-Jeremy.
On the last day of my junior year I would talk to people again. It was a new beginning.
